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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28172880">A Heart Can Only Break So Many Times Before Someone Notices</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoatMyBoat/pseuds/GoatMyBoat'>GoatMyBoat</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Happy Ending yay!, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Plans of suicide, depressed tendou, self harm (not like cutting but still bad), tendou hates oikawa, ushijima is CLUELESS my guy, very gay</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 00:35:32</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>9,347</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28172880</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoatMyBoat/pseuds/GoatMyBoat</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Tendou has always loved Ushijima, that was a given. But Ushijima had always made his feelings for Oikawa very clear. What happens when Tendou has had enough of this emotional rollercoaster named Rejection? And how does it change his life forever?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Tendou Satori/Ushijima Wakatoshi, Ushiten - Relationship</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>154</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>A Heart Can Only Break So Many Times Before Someone Notices</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Satori Tendou sat on the bench, watching as the rest of his team spoke to each other and zipped up their jackets. The weather outside was freezing and with every push of the door from them leaving, cold gusts of wind embraced him, causing him to shiver. Back in the day, he was asked why he hadn’t gotten dressed and why he was still sitting there as if the practise wasn’t over. But once they got to know him, they brushed it off as him just being himself and told him to lock up when he was done. </p><p>He liked it when this happened. The time spent alone in there gave him a safe space to think and evaluate his life while he hit some volleyballs around. Or at least that’s what he told his teammates if they pressed him for his reasoning. They believed him and that was good enough for him to be handed back the keys to continue on with his lonesome schedule.</p><p>Now what he didn’t like was the sight of the tall figure approaching him once everyone else cleared out. He knew that meant tonight’s routine was going to be more difficult to fulfill but nonetheless, he flashed a quirky smile at his friend.</p><p>“What’s up, ‘Toshi?”</p><p>Ushijima frowned down at him and gestured to the exit with his thumb. “I’m leaving now. Did you want me to drive you home? It’s very dark out.”</p><p>Tendou blushed a little at the offer, despite himself. He didn’t want to think of it romantically, but he couldn’t help it. Through the years, he found himself drowning in the fantasies of dating Ushijima and with each smile and eye roll sent his way, more waves crashed over his head, keeping him from the surface. He didn’t want to imagine how close they would sit next to each other, their shoulders brushing, their breath clouding each other’s senses. So close, yet forever separated by a lifeguard named Reality bringing him up for air. Pulled from his dreams, Reality reminded him of the truth: Wakatoshi Ushijima didn’t love him back.</p><p>Reality could have been a little sweeter and showed him this by having Ushijima tell him he wasn’t interested in him, rather than having Ushijima fall for someone else right in front of him. Thinking about the setter from Aoba Johsai, Tendou felt his chest clench tightly around his heart. It felt so heavy, weighing him down with chains that stripped him of the strength to lift the load and the will to even try.</p><p>“Nah, I’m good,” Tendou assured his crush with a happy chirp. “I’m a big boy now which means I can manage to walk to the bus in the deep, dark, spooky night.” He emphasized the adjectives with a dramatic voice and hand gestures that matched the word, causing Ushijima to furrow his eyebrows. He laughed at this.</p><p>Ushijima shook his head, dismissing the humour from the conversation. “Tendou, you slipped on the ice seven times yesterday. And that was at noon.”<br/>

“So? The sun was blinding me. That doesn’t count!”</p><p>“But the sun was covered by the clouds.”</p><p>“Well, the rain got in my eyes! You can’t blame me for that!”</p><p>Ushijima tilted his head to the side ever so slightly, confused. “But it hasn’t rained in almost a month. And it only snowed early in the morning and then later in the evening, so it couldn’t have been that-”</p><p>“Even if that was true, which it isn’t!” Tendou quickly interrupted as he stood up, raising a finger and poking the taller man in the chest to emphasize his point. “It wouldn’t matter; I can get home on my own. I appreciate the offer, but I’m all good. Honest!” </p><p>Getting the hint, Ushijima nodded and adjusted the strap of his duffle bag on his shoulder. “Are you absolutely certain?” The concern hadn’t died down in the slightest despite him showing obvious signs that he was leaving. “I don’t mind waiting.”</p><p>“You betcha!” Tendou confirmed, finding his place back on the bench and crossing his legs. “Besides, you’d be waiting for a long time. Now, go home before your mom has a seizure.”</p><p>Ushijima’s eyes widened in shock. “Why would my mother have a seizure if I wasn’t home?”</p><p>“What?” Tendou asked, puzzled. That changed nearly a second later when he remembered who he was talking to, letting out a laugh that he couldn’t manage to swallow. “No, she wouldn’t actually have a seizure-seizure. I just meant that you should get home before she gets worried.”</p><p>“And this worry would somehow result in her having a seizure?”</p><p>“No!”</p><p>“But that’s what you said.”</p><p>“My point is, you can go now.” Tendou was getting impatient. As much as he loved talking with Ushijima and having this comical conversation, he needed his alone time. He needed to do what the others thought he was going to. Inhaling to control his shaky nerves, he leapt to his feet and pushed his crush to the exit. “Your mom is fine, just ignore what I said and get going. I’ll be fine!”</p><p>Ushijima planted his feet firmly on the floor once a few feet shy of the door, causing all movement to stop. Looking down at his struggling friend trying to break the foundation of the immovable mountain he was, he sighed. “Are you sure?”</p><p>Tendou gave up in a pant as he nodded, straightening his back and shaking out his arms. “Of course! Now can you please cooperate? You’re making me look weak with your stupid cement feet.” As he finished speaking, he kicked one of Ushijima’s legs repeatedly before wincing and then doing it again. Wash, rinse, repeat until he finally got an exhalation from him.</p><p>Ushijima rolled his eyes and he complied when Tendou attempted to push him again. He opened the door and allowed himself to be shoved out of it by a pair of tired, lanky arms. Turning around once Tendou removed himself from him, he moved Tendou back in the building when he saw him shiver. No surprise there; the idiot was trying to withstand the brisk air in his volleyball jersey and shorts.</p><p>Tendou smiled at the action but undid it by lunging himself at the unsuspecting ace and capturing him in a hug, lifting his leg up fondly behind him. Although he was freezing his ass off, he didn’t move, not when Ushijima loosely returned his affection. Once again, the all too inviting sea lured him in and dragged him under, bringing him closer to Ushijima. With the smell of the olive-haired man’s cologne flooding his senses, he pretended they were dancing with his arms around Ushijima’s neck and the latter’s hands on his waist. Or maybe they were hugging after their first date.</p><p>“Hey, Tendou,” Ushijima started, breaking the silence between them.</p><p>“Hm?” Regardless of what this was, Tendou could feel what he needed to do next in his accelerating heart. Pulling his head back to look at the man of his dreams, his eyes lidded, and he gradually moved his face closer to Ushijima as his eyes anxiously darted between meeting his crush’s gaze and the lips he wanted to kiss.</p><p>“Could you help me with Oikawa tomorrow? I think I’m going to try to ask him out.”</p><p>Tendou froze as Reality gave him CPR to start his heart again. In all honesty, he hoped it didn’t work, that it wouldn’t work, so he could just die right then and there and not feel his stomach twist so much he wanted to vomit. He was too late and there was nothing he could do to stop Ushijima from acting out on his feelings. Instead, he nodded with the secret hope that Oikawa would say no and break his heart into a million little pieces, so he could understand what it was like to be him every day. But he knew that he didn’t actually want that.</p><p>“Thank you. I owe you one.” Ushijima pulled out of the hug and patted Tendou’s arm, readjusting the bag that was threatening to slide off of his shoulder. “I’m going to go now. Make sure to get home safe, alright?”</p><p>“Will do,” Tendou assured him with a salute. “Drive safe!”</p><p>With a nod and a wave goodbye, Ushijima backed away and turned around to head to his car, leaving Tendou alone in the doorway. </p><p>Although his arms and legs were riddled with goosebumps and erect hairs, Tendou didn’t move as the car sped off into the night. His body screamed at him to get inside but his brain told him to stay put and endure the whip of the harsh wind because that was his only reminder he was alive. The once unbearable pressure in his chest felt like a light flick compared to the weight of the emptiness that consumed him once the vehicle vanished from sight. At least the air hurt him.</p><p>Sighing, he watched the cloud of air that came from his mouth. This definitely wasn’t the first time he felt this way and with how his future was looking, he had no doubt that this would become more of a norm for him. All he wanted was a chance and the universe saw that as a challenge, beating him up and breaking him down, so he wouldn’t try again. And even though it never stopped him any other time, this time he threw in the towel before the next round started, before he could ever be with Ushijima. </p><p>For once, he gave up and the realization drove his fist into the side of the building over and over until it bled. The sight only motivated him to cause further damage to himself and the pain was a reward, especially with how cold and cramped from the cold his hand was before he started. Picturing how the next day would play out, warm tears blurred his vision and he continued to plunge his fist against the brick. It was his worst nightmare brought to life and there was no ocean to cover it up with, no shimmer of hope that would persuade him to keep going.</p><p>If it wasn’t for Oikawa, this wouldn’t be happening, he mentally argued, the wall morphing into the setter’s beautiful face, provoking him to swing harder and use his other appendages to help. He believed that without Oikawa in the picture, he might have been with Ushijima by now or at least have a way better chance of wooing him.</p><p>Needing to catch his breath, he stilled his limbs and gave the wall one last glare before his attention was captured by the blood gushing from his knuckles to his wrists. As much as he attacked the wall and cursed Oikawa’s name and pretty face, he knew that deep down that the setter wasn’t the reason Ushijima didn’t love him.</p><p>Wiping at his eyes, he walked back into the gymnasium and headed for the change room, the warm air hugging his numb skin. Opening the door, he turned on the sink as hot as it would go and stuck his abused hands underneath the flow. The pain from the sudden temperature change and pressure on his wounds was excruciating, but he didn’t move his hands. Instead, his eyes fixated on his reflection.</p><p>What he saw was the real reason why Ushijima could never love him. He looked creepy, weird, and a new brand of ugly, living up to the monster everyone was convinced he had been since he was a small child. With the blood trickling down the drain, there was hardly any reason why he should think he wasn’t one. The only exception to this label was something he learned through his years of extensive research on monsters and that was they couldn’t love.</p><p>That fact reminded him of his humanity. The feeling in his chest whether his heart fluttered or broke was proof enough for him that he was like everyone else he ever encountered, only his body was made wrong and his intuition was freaky. Regardless of being good friends, he always knew that Ushijima wouldn’t think twice when looking at him, especially with his looks, how strange he acted, and how energetic he was. Nobody would and he couldn’t blame them.</p><p>For years, he repeated this information to himself like a mantra, preparing himself, so he wouldn’t be bothered by it and yet, he didn’t know what to do now that it’s happened. All he knew was that he was helping his crush get with a pretty boy from another school, and he wanted nothing more than to drop dead. He wondered if anyone would care if he went through with it and after a second of consideration, he thought about where he’d do it.</p><p>“Not in here,” he told himself aloud as he looked around the quiet room. “It’d be too messy.”</p><p>Another reason he had was that he didn’t want to scare his team out of playing volleyball when they saw his mangled corpse sprawled out onto the floor of their sanctuary. He couldn’t take that away from them. Volleyball was one of the things he loved most in life, but he couldn’t bear the thought of playing alongside Ushijima and listening to how great his life with Oikawa was. So he was willing to give up the one place he felt good if it meant he didn’t have to live like this anymore.</p><p>“Maybe outside?”</p><p>Coming up with a story of him freezing outside from the cold, he turned off the sink and opened up a locker to pull out his duffle bag and switched his shoes for boots. Not bothering to change into the warmer clothes he wore to practice or even put on the pants and jacket of his uniform, he carried the bag out into the freezing cold with the hope that his body temperature would end up colder than it. Shivering from the air once again, he was sure it would work, and he locked the door behind him.</p><p>His plan was to just walk aimlessly into the wilderness until he dropped, but it all changed when he saw a car pull into the parking lot. Scared that it was someone he knew, he altered directions, so now he was walking away from the parking lot and towards the back of the school. He figured he would either wait out the person or die trying. </p><p>That was until he took another step and slipped on what others might deem as an ‘obvious patch of ice’. If it was so obvious, then why did he eat shit every time he stepped on it? Wanting to prove Ushijima wrong from before, he slowly pushed his injured hands against the cold surface and stood up. Taking a breath and trying to shake the pain out of his hands and failing miserably, he started walking and repeated his fall, landing on his shaky knees.</p><p>“Tendou!” Ushijima’s voice called to him.</p><p>At first, he thought he started hallucinating but when he lifted his head to look behind him and saw the olive-haired man sprinting towards him, he groaned. This was never going to work now that he was here to distract him with his pretty face and kind words! With Ushijima approaching him, he went to push himself back up but hissed from the sting in his hands.</p><p>“Are you okay?” Ushijima asked, helping him to his feet, unaware of the damage he was causing by doing so. Situating Tendou on a safe chunk of land, he studied him in the light from a nearby street lamp. “First of all, I told you that you were going to slip on the ice in the dark since you managed to do so in broad daylight.”</p><p>Tendou rolled his eyes and clasped his hands behind his back and rocked on his feet. “Yeah, yeah, I get it. I’m a klutz, I should be more careful when walking outside, yada yada yada.”</p><p>“Second of all, why are you carrying your bag full of warm clothes instead of wearing them?”</p><p>“I was lazy, I guess. I hate getting dressed after practice, you know that!”</p><p>“Yes, and it was acceptable four months ago.” Ushijima furrowed his brows in concern for his friend, his eyes boring into Tendou as he tried to read him. Given the subject, this was not going to be easy as Tendou was great at hiding. “Why would you think this would be a good idea? You have to take a bus! It’s not as if you have a short journey home.”</p><p>Tendou shrugged, wanting nothing more than for the pestering to stop. “I dunno.”</p><p>“Tendou, this is very dangerous!” Ushijima scolded him, his voice rising as he tried to get his point across. It was clear he was not seeing it as a joke like Tendou was when he extended his hand to the ginger. “You could get hurt or freeze out here! Please come with me to my car, so I can drive you home.”</p><p>It took Tendou by surprise to hear that and he felt his face heat up in contrast to the harsh wind blowing against it. Darting his eyes from the offered hand to Ushijima’s face, he excessively leaned his head to the side to express how confused he was. “...Is that why you came back?”</p><p>Ushijima nodded, his gaze fixated on Tendou’s face as he removed his jacket. “Yes. I got an uneasy feeling when I left and it only got worse when I got home. And for your information, my mother was not having a seizure when I walked in.”</p><p>Tendou stiffened while Ushijima worked his arms into the sleeves of the jacket before zipping it up to his chin. His face burned worse and the rest of his torso gradually started to warm up, making the rest of him feel colder. As much as he wanted to tear the jacket from his person and try to run, he couldn’t move. His body begged him to keep the warmth and his heart ached from the smell and sentiment of the jacket, both aspects of his being holding him in place. </p><p>“I told you she wouldn’t have one!”</p><p>“After you told me she would.”</p><p>“Whatever!” Tendou huffed, not in the mood to carry on as he usually did. This seemed to perk Ushijima’s interest with his stare intensifying, making the redhead considerably more uncomfortable. Fiddling with his hands behind him, his eyes squinted in suspicion, his head cocking to the side. “Why are you looking at me like that? It’s like you’re trying to stare into my soul!”</p><p>It looked like Ushijima was going to answer but stopped himself multiple times with his mouth opening and closing repeatedly. Giving up, he let out a sigh and extended his arms to Tendou, pulling him into a hug. He hummed against Tendou’s head when the latter snuggled closer to him and kept his own arms between them. </p><p>“You’re freezing,” Ushijima commented, tightening his hold as he felt Tendou shiver in an attempt to warm him up. “Let us continue this conversation in my car.”</p><p>“No.” Tendou shook his head, panicked, struggling to escape the tight embrace of his crush. He repeated the word more frantically and his motivation to fight grew stronger, surely concerning Ushijima, but he didn’t care. He needed to finish what he started and being alone with Ushijima in his car would only make matters worse.</p><p>“Tendou,” Ushijima said, his voice firm and steady as he squeezed Tendou against his body so close that all he could do was kick and whine. “Why can’t we go in my car?”</p><p>“I don’t want to!”</p><p>“Yes, I can see that. But why don’t you want to?”</p><p>Tendou was freaking out. A part of him just wanted to go with Ushijima to the car and tell him all his woes while another part of him reminded him that it wouldn’t do him any good. He didn’t want Ushijima to feel guilty for loving someone else who was actually deserving of him, who wasn’t just a freak. That was something that he just couldn’t do no matter how much he wanted to and needed to.</p><p>Kicking at Ushijima’s feet in desperation, he also fought the tears and screams that were trying to escape him. He knew that with the steel toe boots that Ushijima always insisted on wearing nowadays that he wasn’t anywhere near hurting him, rather himself which was what he wanted. Ushijima let him attack him and it only made him feel worse. Why did he put up with him and his bullshit all the time? Tendou argued it was due to him being captain and not wanting any bad relationships with his team, yet that didn’t mean he had to deal with him off of the court, too. </p><p>Ushijima was too nice for his own good.</p><p>Changing his target to the ground and biting back screams, Tendou tried to keep his breaths measured. “I… I just want to be alone right now. Is that so much to ask?”</p><p>Suddenly, Tendou was hoisted off the ground with a shriek and on instinct he wrapped his arms and legs around Ushijima’s neck and waist, clinging to the bigger man for dear life. He felt the slightest bit better when muscular arms snaked their way around his torso and under his ass, the support making him feel safe.</p><p>Ushijima held him close as he walked to his car, adjusting his hold when Tendou tried to get more comfortable and warm against his chest. Much to Tendou’s amazement, they made it through the courtyard and the parking lot without a hitch, not once slipping on the ice that harassed him daily. </p><p>He chuckled airily at that thought as it was so symbolic to him. Those kids that first put the idea of being a monster into his head and everyone else that followed later on were the ice to his emotions. Their words were the most slippery ice patches, bringing him to his knees when he was told by others that he wouldn’t fall. And yet, everyone else walked perfectly fine or had the occasional slip, all laughing at him or calling weird for managing to lose his footing so often. </p><p>Then there was Ushijima carrying him across the land mines of ice so effortlessly. Nobody harassed the ace and even stranger, Ushijima never harassed him. He got the odd look from him but never once had he told him he was scary and didn’t deserve to live. No, he was a saint and the first to treat him like a person and not a messed up joke, almost making Tendou think his bullies were wrong.</p><p>Almost.</p><p>Before he knew it, there was a loud bang and the air had gone still before it became hot. Realizing he was in Ushijima’s car, he groaned. He needed to get out and he made the attempt before Ushijima snatched his wrist, stopping him. He was going to protest but when he turned his head to look at his captor, he clamped his mouth shut.</p><p>“Tendou, what has been bothering you?” Ushijima inquired, his gaze soft but intense.</p><p>Tendou flashed him a goofy smile and shrugged. “I just wanted to be alone, you dork. Which - but the way - doesn’t mean kidnapping me, so we can be alone in your car. What would the team think if they found out you did this?”</p><p>Ushijima looked upset but not surprised by the sudden change in atmosphere. “That isn’t a concern of mine. What is, however, is figuring out why you seem so off tonight.”</p><p>“I didn’t realize I was acting weird. Sorry about that-”</p><p>“Stop that!” Ushijima barked, startling Tendou out of his facade. His grip on Tendou’s wrist tightened as he got more frustrated, but once he saw his friend wince, he let go. He took a deep breath. “I apologize for my outburst. I shouldn’t have done that.”</p><p>Tendou waved his other hand dismissively. “Nah, I was annoying you. I get it.”</p><p>Ushijima glared at him in disbelief. “How could you say that? As if that justifies me hurting you?”</p><p>“Chillax, it didn’t hurt. And I’d be annoyed too if I was in your shoes, so I can’t say I blame you.”</p><p>“You are not annoying me.”</p><p>Tendou froze from the sincerity in his best friend’s voice and his eyes widened when he looked in his eyes and found the same thing there. It wasn’t like Ushijima to lie or to not be open about his opinion and yet Tendou had trouble believing him. Letting out a sigh, he leaned his back against his seat and studied the ceiling of the vehicle. “If you say so. But I assure you I’m fine. You got nothin’ to worry about!”</p><p>“Really?” Ushijima asked, challengingly. When Tendou’s eyes returned to him, he raised a hand in between them and lowered all fingers but his pinky.</p><p>Tendou gulped as he contemplated his dilemma. On one hand, he could hook his pinky around Ushijima’s and lie to him, keeping his feelings and suicidal plan deep within the caverns of his chest. Yet on the other hand, if he just admitted he wasn’t being honest, he wouldn’t be disgracing the belief system that was the pinky swear. However, that meant he would be expected to talk. Chewing vigorously on his lip, he made his decision. </p><p>“Okay, fine, you caught me!” he confessed, throwing his arms in the air in defeat. Instantly, he regretted introducing pinky swears to Ushijima because while the latter may not have believed in them, he knew that Tendou did. “Happy now?”</p><p>Ushijima shook his head, sadly. “No, not necessarily. You always try to brush your feelings off like they’re nothing but that couldn’t be further from the truth.” Seeing the eye roll from his friend, he paused. “I know I’m bothering you with this, I’m just concerned, is all.”</p><p>“So what gave me away?” Tendou asked nervously, subtly hiding his hands from Ushijima under his thighs. “Not wearing a jacket?”</p><p>“No, It was actually last week in the locker room when Shirabu and I were discussing the different setters from the other teams. I noticed that you were staring at yourself in the mirror.”</p><p>“So? I always do that.”</p><p>“Your eyes held more anger and disgust than usual.”</p><p>Tendou was taken aback by the implication of Ushijima seeing how he looked at himself. He had thought that with how close he was to the mirror, no one would be able to see his reflection. How many times had Ushijima caught him doing it to be able to say ‘than usual’? “Maybe I had a bad day or something. What does that have to do with right now?”</p><p>“That’s when I initially noticed something was wrong,” Ushijima explained. “Since I’m not the best at reading people and you hide your true feelings better than anyone else I’ve met, that is how I monitor your mood. And with each day that passed, your gaze only became worse.”</p><p>Tendou’s mouth fell open before it closed and curved into a teasing smile. “That’s kinda creepy that you stalk me through a mirror.”</p><p>Ushijima blinked. “I’m not stalking you, I’m observing you.”</p><p>“Sounds like something a stalker would say.”</p><p>“Once again, I am not stalking you. I am respecting that you don’t like talking to people.”</p><p>“I bet you say that to all the girls.”</p><p>“...But you’re a man. Unless you have started identifying as a woman.”</p><p>“What? No!”</p><p>“Tendou, I need you to know that I would accept you as a woman because you would still be my best friend. Gender does not and will never change that. Do you understand?”</p><p>Ushijima was staring him deep in his eyes and he didn’t know if he wanted to laugh from the misunderstanding or cry from how genuine Ushijima was about him being his best friend. He never knew it wasn’t one-sided. In the end, he giggled, blinked away tears, and nodded to show he understood. “Thanks, you sap. But as nice as that sentiment was, I don’t identify as a girl.”</p><p>“So, that isn’t what’s been bothering you?” Ushijima asked, disappointed. “I assumed that was one of the reasons why you stare at yourself like that.”</p><p>Tendou felt bad when he realized that Ushijima thought he solved the problem and made him happy. And although he wasn’t going to go back on his statement about gender identity, he decided he would throw his friend a bone for the effort. “Nah, my face is just weird to look at.”</p><p>Ushijima shifted in his seat so his body was now facing Tendou. “What do you mean?”</p><p>“Just what I said.” He let out a sigh when Ushijima’s eyes never left his face and tried to study it, one of the latter’s many ways to tell him to keep going and explain. His own gaze dropped to his lap before quickly returning to Ushijima. “It shouldn’t take me telling you for you to know that. I mean, you’re looking at it right now after two years of looking at it.”</p><p>“I don’t think your face looks weird,” Ushijima informed him, turning Tendou’s face back to his when the shorter of the two tried to look away. “Different, but not weird.”</p><p>Tendou snorted. “What’s the difference?”</p><p>“Well, when you say it looks weird, you make it sound as if it is a bad thing. Almost like you believe yourself to be ugly or just unattractive. When I say your face is different, I mean that your facial structure is unlike anyone else’s I have ever seen.”</p><p>“You sure have a way with words, huh?”</p><p>“Hm?”</p><p>Although his head was being held in place to face Ushijima, Tendou’s eyes darted literally anywhere else. He wanted to leave the car more than ever now. The last thing he needed was a reminder of how nobody looked as fucked up as he did, especially not from his crush. With his gaze landing on the outside world, he knew he needed a plan to get out there and fulfill his task.</p><p>“Nothing.” Glancing back to Ushijima, he gave him a small smile. “Thanks for saying that. It makes me feel a lot better.” And before he had any instant to prepare or say anything else, another pinky was raised to test his honesty. He glared at Ushijima and swatted his hand. “You suck, you know that?”</p><p>Ushijima frowned. “Why do you insist on keeping your feelings secret?”</p><p>“Why do you insist on pressing me for answers?” Tendou shot back, jabbing his finger at Ushijima’s muscular chest, swallowing all signs of the pain it brought him.</p><p>Removing Tendou’s finger from his torso with the hand that was on Tendou’s face, he placed his other hand on Tendou’s shoulder. “If I offended you with my comment on your face somehow, I am truly sorry. I think your face is different, but I don’t mean in a bad way. Instead, I think you are very handsome.”</p><p>Tendou burst out laughing, despite himself. He threw his head back and occasionally choked on the sounds for roughly two minutes. The only thing that brought him out of it was the look on Ushijima’s face. </p><p>Wiping the tears from his eyes, he smiled at Ushijima. “What? Why are you looking at me like that?” </p><p>“Why is that so humorous to you?” Ushijima pressed, his eyebrows knitted together. “Do you truly find my opinion amusing and untrustworthy?”</p><p>Tendou realized he might have offended Ushijima and raised his hands in defence to clear that up. “Only this one, Ushiwaka! I value all of your other opinions but this one is just too funny.”</p><p>“And why is that?”</p><p>“Well, you are handsome,” Tendou started, a blush enveloping his face. He never wanted to make Ushijima feel like his opinion was worthless to him, so he chose to explain why he reacted the way he did. “The guys on our team are handsome, same with the other guys on the other teams. Even Oikawa is handsome. Now picture all of them and then picture me. If your brain works right, you will find I don't belong in there.”</p><p>Ushijima did as he was told, removing his hand from Tendou’s shoulder and for a moment, Tendou was surrounded by silence. He wondered if now would be a good time to make a run for it since Ushijima had closed his eyes. Slowly, he reached for the door handle, never peeling his eyes from his captor as he grabbed onto it. Unfortunately, the car squeaked from him pulling it, awakening Ushijima from his thoughts.</p><p>“What are you...” Ushijima’s sentence trailed off as his eyes landed on the bruised and scabbing hand on the car door. They widened in shock before Tendou slid his appendage under his thigh, panicked, and avoided eye contact. “Tendou, what happened?”</p><p>The question was slow and barely above a whisper, but it sent shivers down Tendou’s spine. He caught himself in the rearview mirror on his door and he cringed at how bugged out his eyes were. Sure, they always reminded him of a rodent, but it never got worse than when he was panicked or freaked out like he was right now. Maybe he was dropped as a baby down a few flights of stairs. That would explain it.</p><p>“Tendou.”</p><p>“I slipped on the ice and landed on my hands.”</p><p>“You landed on the back of your hands?”</p><p>Fuck, Tendou internally cursed. Of course, he would screw it up under pressure. Usually lying wasn’t a very difficult task but that was mainly because no one cared to wedge through the bullshit. So why was Ushijima doing this? Why did he ever do this? He may have said they were best friends but that didn’t mean he had to evaluate him and ask him personal questions.</p><p>After waiting a little while for an answer that would never come, Ushijima swallowed the lump in his throat and reached for Tendou’s hidden hand, only pulling back when Tendou flinched. “Did... you do that to yourself?”</p><p>“If you want to be at your best tomorrow, you should head home and get some rest,” Tendou informed him, his voice low and eerily flat. “You have a big day, and you’ll need the energy.”</p><p>“God damn it, Tendou, forget tomorrow!” Ushijima yelled, startling Tendou into squeezing his eyes shut and bracing for impact, not that he’d ever hit him before. He didn’t understand why he thought this time would be different. Placing a comforting hand in Tendou’s mess of hair, he exhaled. “I’m sorry for shouting, and I’m not going to hurt you. I just don’t understand why you keep forcing Oikawa into this conversation as if that’s what we should be focusing on.”</p><p>“You wanted to know what my problem was, didn’t you?”</p><p>Immediately after saying that, Tendou’s hands flew over his mouth, his eyes wider than they had been all night when they met Ushijima’s perplexed ones. That was meant to be more of a thought or an inaudible mumble, and yet it came out a clear mutter. He prayed that Ushijima wouldn’t catch on and would ask questions, so he could steer the conversation from his true feelings. But with the small nod from Ushijima and his hands being carefully peeled from his face to be cradled in the bigger pair, he knew he was toast.</p><p>Studying the torn bandages desperately clinging to Tendou’s four fingers, Ushijima’s eyes saddened. “Tendou, are you upset because I’m going to ask Oikawa out tomorrow?”</p><p>“What? No! Of course not!” Tendou denied, trying to pull his hands from Ushijima’s grip but failing miserably. “I’m happy for you!”</p><p>The smile on his face was too fake to be convincing, he knew this, but it was too late. He couldn’t see any benefits from being painfully honest about how he felt. It was clear that Ushijima didn’t believe his words when his eyes remained glued to the struggling hands, and he shook his head, sadly.</p><p>Lifting his gaze to meet Tendou’s, Ushijima looked almost as upset as Tendou felt. “If it bothers you so much that you want to hurt yourself, I won’t do it.”</p><p>Tendou’s mouth fell open. Initially, he was happy knowing that he would have a better chance at getting with him, but that feeling faded as quickly as it came. Suddenly getting the man he wanted didn’t feel right. Seeing the sadness and guilt in his crush’s eyes made him realize how selfish he had been being. Who guilts someone into not getting what they desire? The answer to that was a terrible person and an even worse best friend. </p><p>Closing his mouth, Tendou chased and collected moisture until he felt he had enough to speak with the fewest voice cracks. “Ushijima, that’s not what I want! I mean, you really like Oikawa!”</p><p>“I don’t want to do something that will urge you to hurt yourself,” Ushijima explained. “I may want him, but I want you even more. I know you would never abandon me or reject me in the ways Oikawa could and maybe will.”</p><p>Despite trying to fight it, the pressure in Tendou’s chest became too much, resulting in silent tears rolling down his cheeks. “No! You should go for it! I’m sorry I concerned you and made you not want to anymore, but I’ll be okay! Please don’t let me ruin this for you! You were so excited.”</p><p>“Tendou...”</p><p>“I’m sorry, but I can’t let you do this.”</p><p>Tendou used Ushijima’s shock from seeing him cry to his advantage and quickly snagged his hands away and left the car. He wanted to give the jacket back but that would waste precious time that he couldn’t afford to lose. His plans had changed as he actually started heading towards the bus stop to catch the bus that would be there in two minutes, according to his phone. </p><p>He heard Ushijima slam his door shut and call after him, but he only moved faster. Of course, he slipped on the ice which was all it took for Ushijima to catch up to him and capture him in a tight hug that he tried so hard to escape. But due to the harsh weather and being so emotional, it didn’t take long for him to give in and just lean into his friend.</p><p>“Tendou, please tell me why it bothers you so much!” Ushijima pleaded, desperate to help Tendou feel better. “If I think it’s a suitable reason to not ask out Oikawa, I won’t. But if it isn’t, then I will. Just please talk to me!”</p><p>Tendou buried his face in Ushijima’s chest, the fabric of the sweater catching the multitude of tears pouring down. He had never heard so much emotion in Ushijima’s voice before and he felt terrible for being the cause of it. The real reason behind hiding his face was so he wouldn’t have to see Ushijima when he was like this. This wasn’t a memory he wanted to remember and Ushijima’s grief-struck face would make it that much harder to forget.</p><p>“It’s not, so c-can you ask him o-out?”</p><p>Ushijima sighed, rubbing circles on Tendou’s back. “I said if I thought it wasn’t a suitable reason then I will. I need to hear your reasoning, Tendou. Otherwise, I’ll assume it is and I-”</p><p>“I like you, okay!?” Tendou bellowed, lifting his head to face Ushijima, although his vision was obscured by the blurriness of his vision and the shadows on Ushijima’s face. However, he could tell by how the bigger man stiffened that he heard what he said and was surprised to hear it. “I like-like you! I d-didn’t want you t-to ask him out because I w-w-want you!” Choking out a sob, he pulled out of the hug completely and let out a dark, tired chuckle. “S-see? I told you it w-wasn’t a good reason, so let’s m-move on from it an-and s-stick to the plan, ‘kay?”</p><p>Ushijima’s jaw hit the ground from the shock, gawking at Tendou. The only thing that brought him out of his trance was the light from the bus that was heading where they were. He watched Tendou stand up and walk towards the curb before he followed in pursuit and turned him around. When Tendou started to protest verbally and physically, he held the redhead in place by his upper arms and did the unthinkable.</p><p>Ushijima kissed Tendou.</p><p>Tendou let out a squeak of surprise and more tears raced to his chin. The realization that Ushijima was doing this out of pity hit hard, but he wasn’t going to pass up the opportunity to finally kiss the man of his dreams. Relaxing his body, he closed his eyes and lifted his hands so they rested against Ushijima’s muscular chest as he reciprocated the kiss. Ushijima reacted to this positively by lowering his hands to Tendou’s hips and pulling him closer, to which Tendou happily obliged, wrapping his arms around Ushijima’s neck.</p><p>After a minute or two, they had to pull away for air and when they did, the bus halted alongside the curb and the door opened.</p><p>“Are either of you getting on?” the bus driver asked, impatiently.</p><p>Tendou’s mind was running a mile a minute. Did he still want to go on the bus? Not so much now, but what if he was right? What if Ushijima just did that to trick him into accepting the ride home? Ushijima wasn’t one for tricks, but he also wasn’t one for spontaneous make outs. At least not that he was aware of. Making up his mind, he wiped at his eyes and took a step forward, only to have his arm grabbed, preventing him from moving.</p><p>“No, thank you,” Ushijima told the man. “We were just talking here.”</p><p>Not giving Tendou a chance to correct him, the bus driver nodded in annoyance before he closed the door and sped away.</p><p>Tendou found it strange that no one was getting off here, but he chose not to linger on that thought for too long. Instead, he had to deal with his new situation. Turning around to face Ushijima, he took back his arm and crossed it with the other one over his chest, pursing his lips as he awaited an explanation.</p><p>Ushijima lowered his arm, sliding both of his hands in his pockets to warm them. “It’s safer to drive home with a friend. No creeps in the car, you know?”</p><p>“Being the creep kinda has those benefits,” Tendou scoffed with an eye roll.</p><p>Ushijima was taken aback. “You- you think I’m a creep?”</p><p>“No, not you. Me!” Tendou corrected him, feeling the tears building up in his eyes and a stone in his chest. He knew now that he should have gotten on the bus. Had he just done that, he wouldn’t be dealing with this right now, he could have been content with the kiss and postpone the pain for the next day. “I shouldn’t have said anything. I’m sorry all of this happened.”</p><p>Ushijima stepped back instinctively when Tendou threw his arms up to emphasize on ‘all of this’ to avoid getting hit. “Should I have not kissed you?” He was tense and Tendou swore he was blushing. But at this point in the game, what did that matter?</p><p>Tendou furiously blinked back his tears and kicked a tuft of snow on the ground. It landed on Ushijima’s boot, and so he used his own boot to brush it off back onto the ground. “I understand why you did it, I just wished you wouldn’t pity me so much, ya know? I’ll get over it.”</p><p>Ushijima blinked. “Pity you? What gave you the impression that I pity you?”</p><p>“Uh, the kiss? Why else would you do it?”</p><p>“Do you truly believe I would strip you of your first kiss because I pitied you?”</p><p>“Thanks for rubbing my face in it, but yeah, that’s kinda why I said it.”</p><p>Ushijima took a step closer to Tendou and hooked a finger under his chin, lifting his head to meet his eye. His stare was intense but caring all the same, the look giving Tendou another reason to shiver. “Tendou, that couldn’t be farther from the truth.”</p><p>The big hand travelled up Tendou’s face and cupped his cheek, the thumb brushing over the cold, yet flushed surface. Whether it was Ushijima’s goal to ensure permanent eye contact or not, that was what he got. Tendou was too shook up to look away, his eyes fixated on the man in front of him as he wondered what would happen next. He gulped.</p><p>“What does that mean?” Tendou asked, not sure if his voice was loud enough for Ushijima to actually comprehend what he squeaked out.</p><p>“I respect you more than anyone else I have encountered.” When Tendou’s breath hitched and a tear made contact with his thumb, Ushijima smiled softly and wiped it away. “There is so much going on in your head right now and yet you’ve been able to keep a smile on your face and remain your goofy self around your friends. It’s truly commendable how strong you are, and you fail to give yourself enough credit.”</p><p>Tendou shook his head in denial. He knew he wasn’t deserving of those words but how could he explain that to Ushijima without him freaking out? Exhaling, he pressed his hand against Ushijima’s and basked in the feeling of warmth it emitted before removing it from his face. “I don’t deserve any credit. I was going to… do something bad tonight. I’m not strong at all.”</p><p>And if the frantic wavering of his voice somehow didn’t catch Ushijima’s attention, the way his eyes leaked certainly did. Ushijima pulled him in for another hug and allowed him to bawl into his sweater as he rubbed his back in silence. He wished that he wouldn’t cry so much, but he couldn’t help it, especially with those big arms being as safe as they were.</p><p>After a little while, Ushijima spoke up. “Is this ‘bad thing’ related to how underdressed you are?” He was answered with a choked sob and a subtle nod, one that he figured Tendou didn’t want him to actually acknowledge. But instead, he did, and he held the quivering boy in his arms closer than he had ever held him or anyone for that matter. “I bear you no judgment, Tendou, only regret. I am so sorry I didn’t realize how much you were struggling and for not being someone you felt comfortable confiding in. I should have done better.”</p><p>Tendou’s knees wobbled as he wailed from hearing the emotional response from his under-emotional friend. He felt better because Ushijima was still being so kind to him, but he felt worse because he upset him. How was he supposed to know Ushijima would react so much to finding out? Perhaps he should have trusted him to care as much as he said he did, but it was never enough for him. Did that make him a bad person? The tears he felt hitting the back of his head told him ‘yes’.</p><p>“There was nothing you could have done,” Tendou assured his crying friend, his throat tightening. “I… there’s a lot of shit wrong with me and I didn’t want to burden you. A monster does enough damage just by showing up, you know.”</p><p>“You are not a burden to me. Do you understand? I cherish you more than anything, and it breaks me to hear you talk about yourself like this. Look at me,” Ushijima instructed him, stepping back to meet Tendou’s gaze as he kept his arms wrapped around Tendou’s waist. “You’re not a monster. You’re a human being with needs and emotions no matter what you may have been told. Monsters don’t have friends because people are scared of them-”</p><p>“Yeah and-”</p><p>“I am not scared of you. You are not a creep, you don’t make me uncomfortable, you don’t make me feel bad about myself. You are a kind and humorous person whose energy knows no bounds. You have a great intuition, making you valuable to our team, and you are always there for people when they need a friend. What’s not to love?”</p><p>Tendou wasn’t sure if that question was rhetorical or if Ushijima was expecting an answer. In all honesty, he wanted to leave it at that, let himself drown in his lists of insecurities but something in him needed more. He let out a shaky breath and closed his eyes.</p><p>“I’m ugly; my eyes bug out like a rodent’s and my pupils are really small compared to everyone else’s; I’m disproportionate with how tall and lanky I am; I act like a coke addict and get told that I am one from random people I barely know; I don’t respect people’s personal space; I feel happy when I break people’s spirits when playing volleyball; my intuition isn’t always right; I get jealous of people when they talk to you; and I can’t talk without annoying someone. Really, I’m just an annoying monster and there’s no walking around it.”</p><p>Hesitantly opening his eyes, he caught sight of the sadness in Ushijima’s expression and he wondered if he said too much. He knew he could say at least another twenty bad things about himself, but he figured that he already put a lot on his best friend; the latter certainly didn’t need more. Why did he even say anything at all? To get another pity kiss? To make Ushijima feel worse than he already did? To let him in?</p><p>Ushijima shook his head, dismissing the things he had just been told. “Tendou, most of that is not true.” After Tendou scoffed, he continued. “You may enjoy breaking spirits, and you may get jealous but nothing else is correct. There is nothing ugly about you aside from the hate you direct towards yourself. Other than that, I think you are the most beautiful person I have ever seen, the differences you listed only adding to the fascination you are. And the only monster you are is a Guess Monster because your intuition is so incredible. So what if you guess wrong a few times? The fact that you can make the predictions in the first place is something I’m sure every middle blocker envies.”</p><p>“No, you’re wrong!” Tendou protested strongly, once again failing to get out of Ushijima’s embrace. “Why are you saying this!? What do you gain!?”</p><p>“A weight lifted off my chest. I have wanted to say all of this for a while now.”</p><p>“Yeah? Well, what about Oikawa? You made it sound like you like me instead of him.”</p><p>Ushijima chewed on his lip as he took the point into consideration. “If I’m honest, I think I have romantic feelings for both of you. However, I never acted on my feelings for you because I didn’t think they would be reciprocated.”</p><p>“What!?” Tendou shrieked in disbelief. “How could you not know? I thought I was way too obvious and that you’d call me out for it! Like, I stared at you in the changing room and everything! How did you not notice!?”</p><p>“...I assumed I had something on me.” Ushijima blushed and he seemed a bit shy, something Tendou thought was too cute. His cheeks darkened, but he kept a steady gaze on Tendou. “I’m more fascinated that you never caught me staring with how much I did it. You are just so interesting and mesmerizing.” He paused. “It appears that we both have the desire to crush each other.”</p><p>Tendou choked on air. “I’m sorry?”</p><p>“What, did I say something wrong? DId I mishear you about your affection towards me?”</p><p>“No, so why do you want to crush me? That isn’t- Ohhhhh!” It took a moment but Tendou chirped happily when he finally caught on to the true meaning behind Ushijima’s words. “You mean we have crushes on each other!”</p><p>“Yes, that is what I said.”</p><p>Not even bothering to correct his dense crush, Tendou beamed up at Ushijima before jumping up at and on him without any warning. The sudden attack was so unexpected that it swept Ushijima off his feet, resulting in the pair of them landing on the snow covered ground. Tendou on top of Ushijima.</p><p>“Whoops, sorry! I got a little excited. No one has ever said they had a crush on me before! Much less the boy of my dreams~!”</p><p>Ushijima chuckled lightly at the boy smiling apologetically down at him with a familiar child-like glint in his eyes. He exhaled relieved. “I know you hate it but please, never lose this side of you. It’s so alive and wondrous. I can’t help but feel human around you.”</p><p>“Really?” Tendou asked, tilting his head to the side with his eyes wide in surprise.</p><p>“Yes. You’re so unique and I adore that about you. I just wish you could see yourself how I do. I am sure you would be amazed.”</p><p>Fighting yet another round of tears, he smiled a genuine smile. “You’re sweet, you know that?”</p><p>Ushijima nodded. “I suppose I do, now. However, you are far sweeter and I hope you will find reason to express that sweetness when answering my next question.”</p><p>“Hm? What question?” Tendou sat up and scooted back until he was sitting on Ushijima’s lap, allowing the latter to sit up. Readjusting his seating, he distractedly fiddled with the bottom of Ushijima’s sweater.</p><p>“Well, as I stated before, we both like each other as more than just friends,” Ushijima started. “I was simply going to ask if you would perhaps be interested in starting a romantic relationship-”</p><p>But before he could finish, Ushijima was cut off by Tendou pouncing at him again and kissing him passionately. It was probably clear to both of them that the redhead didn’t know how to initiate a kiss but with Ushijima’s guidance, a rhythm was found. Ushijima’s hands slid down to Tendou’s hips and the latter didn’t intervene when he lowered them to his ass.</p><p>Tendou pulled away to catch his breath and smiled brightly at the man beneath him, not making any move to relocate Ushijima’s hands. Who was he to deny the man who just asked him out after two years of mixed signals? “In case that wasn’t clear, I would love to be your boyfriend!”</p><p>“I’m happy to see we’re in agreement. I will make certain you won’t regret this decision.”</p><p>“That wasn’t even a concern to me.”</p><p>“I’m so lucky to have you, Tendou.”</p><p>Tendou pecked his boyfriend’s lips, grinning from ear to ear as he did so. “Satori. And I’m even luckier to have you, you big lug!”</p><p>“Why did you just say ‘Satori’?” Ushijima asked, perplexed even as he stole another small kiss from the ginger. “Is it simply due to you liking the sound of your first name?”</p><p>“I was telling you to  call me Satori,” Tendou explained, simply, his eyes lidded. “Since we’re dating, I thought you might like to call me that instead of what everyone else calls me.”</p><p>Ushijima nodded and smiled softly, melting Tendou’s frail, gay heart. “I would love that, Satori.”</p><p>“Aw, Wakatoshi~!” Tendou squealed as he squished Ushijima’s neck in a loving hug. Once he was satisfied, he let him go, so he could breathe. All the while, he planted soft kisses all over his boyfriend’s face. “You make my name sound so cute!”</p><p>“It is cute. I really like it.”</p><p>“Well, I really like you.”</p><p>“I really like you, too, Satori.”</p><p>No longer would Tendou have to depend on the waters of his imagination to make him happy, for Reality finally gave him a break, a reason to appreciate land and the life that sprouted from it. Now he had all he ever wanted and from the look in his lover’s eyes, he knew that Ushijima felt the same way.</p>
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